Pissed Off

I just wrote a long blog about another character worth avoiding - The 'C' List Director, pressed 'publish' and lost it with a notice which said it couldn't publish because of lack of ID or something. Stupid thing is I can't get into 'create' without the ID, so as I was in 'create' I had to have put in my ID, n'est ce pas? Fucking technology. Or maybe the 'C' List Director has friends in high places - I smell a conspiracy theory brewing here. Anyway, I'll now attempt to publish this. If it works I'll rewrite the 'C' List director. Bah.

Fuck's sake. It worked.

Excuse the expletives. I hate technical breakdowns over which I have no power.

'C' List Director. Well-known as a loser in the industry, but others treat him politely on account of his family background. They smile sympathetically and say 'Hello (insert name here),' then move on. Smile sympathetically as in how you'd smile at someone who's just had both legs removed after getting infected by a gnat-bite. Eats in third-rate restaurants full of loud writers and out-of-work actors where he feels superior. Constantly on the look out for a Bankable Name to produce a film that actually makes a profit, that someone actually pays to go and see. Because basically he's not much cop. He's wet and unimaginative, terrified of originality.
There you go. I have to stop there because thinking about him's making me depressed.

The Freeloader Producer

To coin a phrase, a sad git, this one. But costly to encounter. Frequently wears large hats. Similar to the Old Compton Street Producer but more hands-on. This one invites himself to stay at your home, usually on the pretext of discussing changes to your screenplay which he has optioned for one pound or dollar. Rarely pays for anything. Consumes vast amounts of your food and drink. Can be a sexual predator, preying on keen newcomers to the industry. An unscrupulous professional freeloader who will rarely, if ever, produce a mainstream film, but will sometimes produce a low-budget piece, usually a short, to which he will frequently refer as a reference to his credibility. Has also been known to sell off your ideas, and use your imaginative titles for his own shorts. Basically this guy is a fraud who uses someone else's talent and hospitality to stay hovering around the industry. The problem is spotting him, but a good way is to approach a reputable agent, tell them that someone is interested in optioning (or has already optioned if you're a rank amateur) your screenplay and ask if they know of him. I haven't yet met a female freeloader producer, by the way - I've generally found them more honorable than the men. The agent will have either not heard of him, or will warn you off. Another giveaway is a pronounced reluctance to invite you to his office, preferring instead to meet you in a members-only club, usually somewhere in the West End of London. Black's, Soho House, and The Groucho are usually pretty good at sifting out these fakes, but don't take it as gospel.

Lessons:
1) Don't sign anything without discussing it with an agent
2) Don't agree to him visiting you at home
3) Treat any unknown as a potential ***hole

The Sloane Reader

Ah yes, this particular type is probably the the most potent cause of the demise of literary art and filmic excellence in the UK today. This type, although a minion in the general scheme of things, has been and still is the most damaging creature in the book and film world, a frontline dilettante with enormous power but no talent. Frequently called Arabella, or Ben, or Lucinda, or Annabel, or Leah, or Toby, or Adam, or some such other significantly striving wannabe middle-class tag, these beings are recruited as friends or offspring of friends already in the industry to read your work. Devoid of life-experience and interested only in the media merry-go-round, they are appointed to read and sift through the volumes of literature that daily arrives on their desk, a job for which in fact they are utterly unqualified and therefore incapable of doing. Give them The Bible and they'd consider it unsaleable: give them War and Peace they'd say it was too long or that they weren't gripped by the first page. Gripped by the first page? Now there's a thing - at least 80% of all work submitted never gets further than the dustbin. Not for these the subtlety of character or plot, the gripping denouement, or gut-wrenching finale, oh no. They cast their vapid eyes over a synopsis or the first paragraph, check to see if it fits into their Currently In Vogue view of life, a safe viewpoint from which they stand no risk of ridicule or exposure as a fraud, and condemn out of hand next year's Bulgakov or Vonnegut. Because they don't understand. Because they don't know how to read. Because they have nothing within that empty frame but last season's best-sellers with which to compare true excellence.
As a writer you'll be lucky indeed to receive even a reply or acknowledgement of receipt from them. If you do it'll probably be a cursory 'we read your manuscript with interest, but sadly it's not for us' - even though you didn't actually send them a manuscript but merely a note asking if they'd be interested in reading it.
On a less negative note one should realise that these readers are burdened with an impossible task: that they have to find a best-seller, a work worthy of time, effort and massive expense which will make it a best-seller, with little or no guidance; after all, their bosses are as clueless as they are as when it comes to understanding what makes the public tick, living as they do in the rarified air of the kingdom of publishing or cinematography where originality has no place. Safety by repetition has become the maxim - if it's been done and was a success, do it again. Or copy someone else's success. You only have to watch a Bond film to see where that leads, or read yet another formulaic crimewriter to understand why the industry is probably at its lowest ebb ever. And when one takes into account the appalling fact that in this age of the fast buck just about every Tom, Nick and Harriet believes they are capable of writing a blockbuster which will turn them into a millionaire celebrity overnight, just what chance does the serious writer have of getting his work in front of someone who counts, someone with vision, flair, and perhaps above all, the balls to take a chance?
As a published writer I'm often asked to assess the work of others, but here it has to be said that most of what I've read is dismally poor. And whoever it was that glibly pronounced 'everyone has a book in them', should have gone one step further and added that there it should stay.
Anyway, a big thumbs down to those readers to whom I above refer.

Lessons to be learned:
1) Don't kid yourself on the excellence of your writing
2) Don't kid yourself it's gonna be easy
3) Even if you are good, don't take it for granted anyone's going to read your work without a lot of effort on your part
4)Get to know people in the industry - no-one's going to beat a path to your door. Put your name about by continually presenting good work
5) If it's big money you want, do something else. Or change your parents.
Finally, 6) If you can churn out mindless pap by the vanload, there could be a place for you yet with (name withheld because I'm not as yet a complete ****)