My Life Story

I remember well the moments before my birth. I was stuck.

A bit like a prenatal writer with block. Anyway, I did finally get out with the help of giant forceps and emerged into the cold light of south east London and a bitter capricorn winter. Not long after that they decided my cock needed trimming up a bit and in the process instilled within me a complex about people looking at it. So not for me nudist beaches or any form of lewd exhibitionism, which in a way is excellent news for the general public. I mention this because I wonder how many others have been irreversibly fucked up in later life by groups of doctors and nurses staring and hacking at one's cock in those so formative early years. By the by. From then on like most boys I was obsessed with sex and came to realise that it is probably the most bizarre and ridiculous obsession invented by someone with a perverse sense of humour to ensure that human life goes on; because of this obsession there are at least five extra people on the planet that I know of who may go on to produce millions more through the ongoing obsessions of future generations. All that for a shag. And to think that I was the product of a shag has its own stigma, its own reminder that I'm not actually that important, a lump of meat which has developed through trial and error into this creature writing this blog for unknown readers. I mean how absurd is that? Ever thought how absurd your life is? Going out to work, driving the car, buying food? Now there's a thing, eating. You push stuff into this hole in your face and convert it into energy. Which brings us neatly to shit. To get rid of it we sit down and ease it out, then flush it away. Billions of folk do this every day, munch away at the planet, crap it out, and gambol about on the by-product, energy. With this energy we do all sorts of odd things. So in a way, under certain conditions, a tomato for example may become a world war. Hitler was a vegetarian - look where that got us. And that was in the days before we knew anything about additives. You know, I've watched a bright, intelligent young boy turn into a psychotic freak within seconds of pouring an additive-filled milkshake into that hole in his face, from a charming little chap into a monstrous beast capable of anything. How many atrocities have been carried out by those under the influence of Smarties or sweet bananas? Or lager... But all are quite legal, while marijuana or smack which just make you lay down, are banned. Now what sort of message does that send out? - eat or drink something that might make you stamp on someone's head - that's cool. But take something which makes you lay down and therefore probably be unfit for work, and you'll be reviled, forced to pay out huge sums of money, or even be locked away in a cage with a bunch of perverts who want to shag you or poke a truncheon up your arse. And they wonder why kids have no respect for the law.

Anyway, I digress...